


You're (Not) the Love of My Life

by localyanjunstan (scenarios)



Category: TANGRAM - Fandom, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: :), M/M, One-sided pining, Unrequited Love, happy valentine's day, i think only fcc makes a cameo, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-20 07:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17618267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scenarios/pseuds/localyanjunstan
Summary: Dinghao's biggest supporter has always been Yanjun. Maybe that's why Dinghao has always been a little (read: a lot) in love with him.





	You're (Not) the Love of My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Happy belated Valentine's day haha I'm late, but what else is new. 
> 
> First, I'd like to apologize, because this surely isn't the love story you're looking for. Also, sorry in advance for how choppy it may read. I wrote the first part of this last year but even then, it was just the first paragraph. I kind of loved/hated writing this honestly but nonetheless, I like this piece of work.
> 
> I hope you like it too though <3

Lovely. That's all Dinghao could think of when he sees Jingzuo stand at the end of the aisle. His nerves churn over themselves, and his hands are cold with sweat. Still, Dinghao manages a smile. A smile that spreads unevenly across his face as if unsure of its sincerity. An outside observer would say his smile is beautiful. That he's radiant and glowing with happiness. That every wedding goes like this, and that everyone gets a little nervous but Dinghao knows better. It isn't from the nerves. No.

It's simply a smile full of dread.

Dinghao takes his time walking down the aisle. He sees all their friends and family in attendance. His parents are absent, but he doesn't need them. He hasn't since he was 18; the screaming matches and tense dinners are a thing of the past now. He's grown past that, and he's learn that he deserves and is capable of so much  _more_. Besides, Jingzuo has a nice family and he appreciates that. They give him an alien feeling of belonging, and even if their brand of kindness suffocates him in the nicest of ways, he still wakes up believing that he doesn't deserve an ounce of it.

His eyes catch Yanjun's eyes and he receives a familiar smile. It's a smile he grew alongside with, being childhood friends and all that. Receiving it gives him a pang of unwanted feelings that he isn't willing to let go. Not even in the face of his wedding does he even entertain the thought, so Dinghao forces his eyes away from his. He can't bear maintaining eye contact with Yanjun. His hands have held Dinghao's heart for the longest time, cradling it. Cherishing it. And now that he's getting married, Yanjun lets it go.

That's false. Dinghao knows, deep down inside, the only person who will always hold his heart is Yanjun.

He says Yanjun no longer holds his heart but he can't convince his own heart that because who it beats for is for Yanjun and Yanjun only. 

He's love-sick; enraptured by Yanjun who is like a siren that sings the sweetest of songs and drowns the most unsuspecting. Except, Yanjun doesn't  _know_ , and Dinghao has his lips sealed tightly shut.

Before he realizes it, Jingzuo is in front of him reciting his vows, and god, it’s beautiful. _He’s_ beautiful. His wide, glittering eyes full of happiness and unshed tears and his cheery grin as Jingzuo tries his hardest to mask the shakiness of his voice with bright, beaming smiles here and there. They're a little wobbly but they're sincere and that's all that matters. But Dinghao has known him long enough to know just how close he is to full out crying. He’s always been somewhat of a crybaby.  _His_ crybaby now, and Dinghao feels the tears well up at that. He blinks rapidly to stop them from rolling down his cheeks. He smiles widely too before he says, ‘I do’.

The happiness is overwhelming. The shroud of doubt that creeps up in the back of his mind scream otherwise.

Dinghao freaks out a bit in private afterwards. When it sinks in that wow, he and Jingzuo are married. They’re _married_. It isn’t something he ever thought he could achieve. It’s never been his reality. It’s never been his dream. Yet here he is. One of the first of them all, married. Dinghao slaps his cheeks—no, it isn't a dream.

Knocks are heard briefly before the door is opened, and Jingzuo pops his head in. “Hey, you okay?” He asks.

“Yeah. Just a bit overwhelmed. I can’t believe it you know,” Dinghao makes briefly makes eye contact with Jingzuo before roaming them elsewhere. He can’t stand to look at him. Not so soon after their exchange of vows. Yeah, that’s shitty of him but Dinghao never claimed to be a good person. Closing his eyes, he doesn’t want to see the kind of sweet expression Jingzuo makes whenever he’s concerned for Dinghao. Don’t get him wrong. He loves Jingzuo. Honestly.

He really does. But there’s a difference between being in love with your first love and being in love with who you can envision yourself with for the rest of your long life.

Jingzuo. He’s the one Dinghao is going to love for the rest of his life. It’s a comfortable sorts of love—familiar and safe. Warm and inviting. The kind of love that gives him relief at the end of the day, because he has someone to come home to. So very different from the kind of love he had once (maybe even still? ha, who is he kidding?) harbored for Yanjun. Whom he will always love and hold in his heart because he’s Dinghao’s first. His first in every single way.

Warm fingers touch his face, cupping his cheeks carefully, almost delicately, as if afraid of startling him. “Feeling okay?” Jingzuo asks him. So close to Dinghao yet far enough to give him some personal space. Dinghao opens his eyes and looks at Jingzuo. His sweet Jingzuo. Giving him everything without expecting much in return. How did he get so lucky? Dinghao holds the hand Jingzuo places on his face, relishing in the comfort and warmth Jingzuo radiates from that simple action alone. It’s the small, intimate gestures that speak loudly. It's what intimidates him the most.

Silence blankets the room. Comfortable and understanding. Everything Dinghao has always wanted. Everything he’s always craved. Everything Jingzuo gives to him without a second thought.

Dinghao presses a kiss to his wrist. Hopefully, soft and sweet . It’s something he’s been trying to improve on. Especially when it comes to Jingzuo who deserves the world and everything more. Not just what limited things Dinghao can give him.

“Just need a little time to myself.” He reassures Jingzuo. “Don’t worry so much. It’s not good for you silly.” He smiles his best smile but still. It doesn’t completely wipe off the worry evident on his face. A pang of guilt runs through Dinghao. He put that worry on Jingzuo’s face. It's him who is the cause of so many restless nights and silent tears.

Jingzuo deserves more, so much more, but Dinghao has always always  _always_ , been a selfish man with a greedy heart.

. . .

It’s the afterparty, and everyone is drunk out of their minds except for Dinghao who is sober as fuck. He can’t risk the alcohol because he's afraid he'll blurt out all his secrets. He might say something he will regret. He might _do_ something he will regret. He can’t chance it. Especially when everyone they know is in attendance including Yanjun. Yanjun and his plus one.

“Dinghao!”

Ah, speak of the devil and he shall appear, Dinghao thinks as he sees Yanjun approach. He practically skips over to where Dinghao sits, giggling with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. “Dinghao you’re married!” Yanjun shouts as he throws his arms around his shoulders, hugging him. “I never thought this day would come.” His tone is full of wonder and childish amazement. Is it really so great, Dinghao wonders.

“I’m so happy for you,” Yanjun continues, even though Dinghao just knows he isn’t completely sober. “Jingzuo is _perfect_ for you!” His glassy eyes stare at him expectantly. Is that his cue? Dinghao thinks albeit a little too late when Yanjun frowns at his continued silence.

Dinghao pinches his cheeks. “Don’t look so sad,” He teases half-heartedly. The regrets he holds still stay firmly hidden deep within him. It only takes a moment of weakness, he knows this much, and his weakness has always been Yanjun.  “You should be happy.”

“That should be my line,” Yanjun pouts at him. Any previously negative emotion from before disappears from his face as he swats Dinghao’s hands from his cheeks. “Are you not happy?” He asks hesitantly with a face full of worry. The same look of worry that Dinghao is so intimately familiar with. The same he remembers when he first got kicked out from his house that summer they entered their last year of high school. Yanjun is still the same. Grown, but still the same he's always known.

“Of course I’m happy ‘jun. I’m just overwhelmed you know,” Dinghao uses the same lame excuse he gave Jingzuo earlier. Of course, just like with him, it works on Yanjun as well. Either Dinghao is a great actor or people just don’t want to call him out on his bullshit, and he’s putting all his money on the latter rather than the former.

“You deserve the best ‘hao, and this," he gestures. "Is the best thing that’s happened to you.” Suddenly, Yanjun’s face lights up with delight. “It’s Chengzi! Dinghao have you met Chengzi?” Yanjun relinquishes his hold on Dinghao, and scrambles to his feet to the aforementioned person. Fan Chengcheng. He knows of him, but they’ve never met. Not that he's unwilling to. Maybe he just isn't ready to. 

“No, but you tell me about him all the time.” Dinghao answers as Yanjun drags over Chengcheng by the hand. Chengcheng who holds such a love-sick expression as he just stares at Yanjun. He's a fool in love but he's in love with his boyfriend whereas Dinghao is a fool in love with his  _best-friend_.

“Well now my two favorite people have met.” Yanjun grins so brightly at him as he clings onto Chengcheng and god, they really do look like the perfect couple. He isn’t bitter he swears. It’s just an observation he takes note of. Dinghao smiles, greets Chengcheng with a handshake, trying to think of a convenient excuse to get away from the both of them.

“I see Jingzuo. Let’s go congratulate Jingzuo.” Yanjun says, pushing Chengcheng in whatever direction Yanjun spots his husband.

Husband. The word looms over his head, casting a shadow Dinghao isn't sure will ever leave. Just the meaning of it both relieves and stifles him.

Before Yanjun leaves, he turns back to Dinghao and embraces him so so sweetly. “You deserve this happiness, and I think Jingzuo makes you really happy.” He whispers in his ear. Dinghao tenses up (his guilt is huge but it’s the only thing fueling him now), then loosens himself as he returns the hug. He can smell the sweet fruity alcoholic drinks Yanjun is so fond of on his breath along with the familiar scent of the cologne Dinghao can identify him by easily. He takes in this moment. It's absurd because this isn't the last time he'll ever see Yanjun, but it feels like it's the last time he'll ever get to hug him like this ever again.

“Thanks for being my number one supporter Yanjun.” It’s thick with emotions that shouldn’t be so complex. They shouldn’t feel so heavy. They shouldn't be so frantic in their desperate hold onto Yanjun. As much as it hurts him, he can't let go. No. He will  _never_ let go. 

“Always.” Yanjun leaves then, arm-in-arm with Chengcheng and without a second-glance back.

He doesn’t get it still, Dinghao thinks as he watches their backs get further away from him.

You, Yanjun, have always been the love of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> The song that I kept on repeat for the most part: [Stay Gold](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Dh5ORsdeH3hDEbGceP5Hx?si=5zgA9A18T6mQM43pv0CoBg) by Utada Hikaru. 
> 
>  
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/just_Clouds)


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